There’s something awesomely gay about Jesus Christ. Here’s a 30 year old man, unmarried and without children, a rabbi who is allowed by the law of Moses to marry and divorce as he pleases. But he’s just not very interested in women, striking out instead into the countryside to collect other young bachelors in his quest to redeem the Jews from their wicked ways.
In the Gospels, Jesus Christ is a “fisher of men”. The euphemism here is not hard to spot! Mark, who was the earliest gospel author, immediately establishes this favorite pastime. Jesus finds Simon and his brother Andrew, two total strangers, fishing for fish in the Sea of Galilee. But Jesus says, “Come after me, and I will turn you into fishers of men” (Mark 1:17). The lads drop their nets and accept his proposition.
In only the very next verse, the fresh throuple picks up two more members, James and his brother John, the sons of Zebedee. For Jesus to be unmarried at age 30 was downright unusual; marriage in Judea was typically first accomplished by teenagers. Thus, the fact that Jesus can recruit all these unmarried brothers suggests that they are considerably younger than him.
How does one become a fisher of men anyway? By using a different sort of pole?
Curiously, in his constant play of metaphor and parable, Jesus does suggest that he has recently been wed. At a large dinner party, the scheming Pharisees ask Jesus why his retinue of boy toys are not fasting. And Jesus responds, “the sons of the bridechamber cannot fast while they are with the bridegroom; while they attend the bridegroom, they cannot fast. But the days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them” (Mark 2:19-20).
What is Jesus talking about? Why does his metaphor include himself as the husband who will consummate his marriage in the “nuptial chamber” while attended by its “sons”? Where exactly is the woman in all this? Who is getting ravished on this honeymoon?
Christ as the husband of his followers is actually first claimed by Paul, who reminds the Corinthians “I betrothed you to one husband, a pure virgin to give to Christ” (2 Cor 11:2). Paul is an extremely important piece of this puzzle, since he is the original inventor of Jesus Christ. But Paul isn’t exactly friendly towards gay stuff (or sexual liberation in general), writing:
“Then God gave them up to dishonorable lusts, even the females changed from natural to unnatural usage, and likewise the males abandoned the natural use of the female in their burning desire toward one another: men seeding indecency among men and receiving back the error of their ways” (Romans 1:26-27). Likewise in 1 Corinthians 6:9 (69 LOL) he says: “Don’t you know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers nor effeminates nor homosexuals”.
Yet Paul is very queer himself. He repeatedly alludes to a physical affliction that distinguishes him from other men. He says: "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a herald of satan, to torment me" (2 Corinthians 12:7). He constantly demeans his own body, even comparing himself to an "abortion" that Christ appears to last of all (1 Corinthians 15:8). In Galatians he reglosses his physical and gender dysphoria, saying "It was because of weakness of the flesh that I first preached the gospel to you" (Galatians 4:13), and compares himself to a laboring woman: "I am again in the pangs of childbirth until Christ is formed in you" (Galatians 4:19).
Paul directly implies that he is celibate, writing “I wish all men were like me, but each man has his own gift from God, one like this, another like that. To bachelors and widows, I say it is good for them to remain like me [i.e. single], but if they cannot control themselves then let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn” (1 Cor 7:8-9). Perhaps Paul was even an incel on account of his bodily weirdness.
But back to the young manfisherboys in Christ’s bridal chamber. Paul makes it explicit that Christ’s followers are his bitches. They are the ones who have had their virginity sworn to Christ. Maybe popping these boys’ cherries is just Jesus’ super awkward metaphor for remaining celibate, but for some reason they’re still cavorting with him on his King sized mattress instead of fasting like good little Jews.
The Gospel of Matthew casts a whole new light on the matter. When Jesus explains why he forbids divorce even though Moses allowed it, he refers to certain types of men who may not marry women. It’s important to understand the textual evolution of marriage in Christianity. First, Paul wrote about the sanctity of love and marriage, but Paul did NOT speak out against general divorce. The prohibition against divorce originated with Mark, wherein Jesus contradicts Moses, saying “What God has joined together, let no man separate” and “whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery” (Mark 10:9-10). Matthew repeats this prohibition with an exception made in case of a fornicating wife (Matthew 19:9).
But then Matthew drops the gay bomb, after Jesus’ twink entourage says, “If this is the way it is to be between a man and his wife, perhaps it is better not to marry”:
Jesus replied, “Not all men can grasp this word, only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs so born from the womb of their mother, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by other men, and there are eunuchs who made eunuchs of themselves for the sake of the heavenly kingdom.”
-Matthew 19:11-12
A eunuch, of course, is a man who has had his testicles removed. If he is castrated before puberty then he will lack the testosterone responsible for sexual development during puberty, resulting in a more feminine adult appearance. Eunuchs in fact were sex objects in the ancient world. It’s easy enough to understand what Jesus could mean by men turning other men into eunuchs. And church father Origen, at least, interpreted the possibility of turning himself into a eunuch by cutting off his own balls. But how can anyone be born a eunuch? It is impossible to be castrated in the womb. So what is Jesus actually talking about?
The only explanation is that Jesus means some men are born in such a way that they will always be more feminine than masculine. It is in fact possible to read Jesus’s entire comment as a double entendre. He uses the term eunuch as a euphemism for a homosexual. He means that some men are born homosexuals, some are forced into homosexual acts, and some choose to become homosexuals. And this is the lesson he offers to his followers who are hesitant to commit themselves to one woman. Since Jesus is unwed and childless at the age of 30, he is an exemplar of the type of men he is talking about. So was Jesus castrated, or was he born that way?
Ultimately, Jesus is a fictional character, meaning that he is exactly as gay as the literature suggests. Jesus fits the archetype of a “born eunuch” or confirmed bachelor. In the Gospels, Jesus Christ actually becomes a partial personification of Paul, and because Paul is a self admitted freak of nature who thinks he is pregnant with Christ, it is perfectly reasonable to conclude that Paul was “born eunuch”. This is what Paul means by the “thorn in his flesh”. Who wants to guess where that thorn was located?
We must also contend with the outspoken femininity of Jesus Christ. He is quite the women’s rights advocate, redefining the law of Moses so that men cannot casually divorce their wives. Jesus also prevents Mosaic justice from being imposed on an adulteress, telling the Jews “Let him without sin cast the first stone” (John 8:7). In Revelation, Jesus calls himself “morning star”, and so too does the epistle of 2 Peter describe Christ as the morning star that will rise in the hearts of the faithful. This famous star is actually the planet Venus, also known as the goddess of love, or Lucifer.
That’s exactly who 2 Peter invokes, in the Latin translation: “We can depend upon the prophetic word, which you should heed like a lamp shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and Lucifer rises in your hearts” (2 Peter 1:19). Furthermore, in addition to identifying with Venus/Lucifer, Jesus Christ is also traditionally identified with Sophia, the feminine personification of divine wisdom. And of course, Judas finally betrays Jesus to the Pharisees by kissing him in public.
The book of John puts a beautiful ribbon around this package, as the dying Jesus asks his mother Mary to adopt his lover John. “Jesus, seeing there his mother and his beloved disciple, said to his mother: Woman, behold your son. Then he said to the disciple: behold your mother. And from that hour the disciple took her into his home” (John 19:26-27). That’s so cute! Even though Jesus had a dozen nubile young virgins in his bridal chamber, he actually only loved one of them, and in spite of their inability to marry, they still forged a new family on the basis of their love. The disciple whom Jesus loved is referenced six times in the book of John, and in John 21:24, the author identifies this disciple as himself.
(I know, I know, I should be writing about CGI airplanes and controlled demolition today, but there are some crazy people who believe that Jesus was born on 9/11.)
Where in the narrative of the gospels does it claim the disciples were unmarried men?